Losing My Virginity To Rape / StoryTime

TRIGGER WARNING! Today's video is about sexual assault and how I am working to overcome rape trauma. Never be afraid to tell the truth.

Losing My Virginity To Rape

The reason I am finally talking about this specific story is so many of you have wanted to hear my life story for so long and I said I'm gonna give it to you I'm gonna give to you I'm gonna give it to you and that I don't and it's not because I don't want to but it's like to put all of it in one video I would have to leave out so many details and it almost just seems like this almost like a big fictional thing because if you don't have all the details it doesn't make sense because I have been through quite a lot and that is why I am writing a book right now because I am writing a memoir about my life and that will give it all the explanation you need to understand like how I went from certain places up to worse to worse to worse and then to better and so I realized I can't just do in my life and draw my life video because there's I just couldn't fit it all into a video it would be like hours long so instead I've decided to take the leap and try and talk about the important things that I have been through or learned or overcome almost like story times I hate that I hate that saying this has a story time that sounds weird but you get what I'm saying I realize maybe it wouldn't be more beneficial for me to talk about individual topics this is currently right now your trigger warning that if this video may upset you her you harm you put you in a bad place that you should probably not watch it so click out now but this is your trigger warning I was younger I was pretty much allowed to do whatever I wanted I don't know if it's because I mom just like didn't wanna deal with me because I did get in a little bit of a good bit of trouble as a kid it was easy just to tell me yes or I don't know if it was just because she wanted to do her own thing I mom did to have me pretty young and you know I had like her own life especially when I was younger and I don't I don't know I was just allowed to do whatever I wanted and that included having boys and then I at a very young age starting with my very first boyfriend but I had like my first boyfriend when I was like 12 years old I would have him stay the night but nothing ever happened like to me staying the night meant like staying up watching movies and like talking because we were like 12 or 13 years old and we even shut the door and nothing would happen but obviously as a parent I wonder if she ever like thought of like the risk I don't know however when I was 14 years old I started dating a boy that was two years older than me he was 16 I was 14 after a few weeks or a few times I'm saying that idea eventually asked me to stay the night over at his house and I asked my mom and she said yes even though he was 16 he didn't drive or have a car so I rode the bus home with him after school I took like a little duffel bag what's like an outfit for the next day my pajamas I so remember getting off the bus and the bus driver like literally stopping me was like an older man he had like white hair in him asking me if I was like okay to be getting off here I don't know if this just because he was like you know grandpa age seemed like a little girl got off the bus with a little bit of an older boy I don't know and I was like yeah I have no and I gave my note and like I got off the bus and that was that when I got his house um both of his parents were there in the living room they were like watching cartoons I'm pretty sure and they barely really even said hi I'm amber I thought that was so weird they were both smoking cigarettes sitting on the couch watching TV eating sandwiches I don't know why I remember that so well but I literally like that's always what I think about when I first think of it and we kind of just went straight to his room and shut the door he even like went out and made like sandwiches for us for dinner later on and brought them back into his room and we just stayed in there and watched TV and like talked a little bit and then eventually his parents went to bed and you hear the TV go off and then turn on like in their room wherever that was and he like immediately started talking to me about sex you could tell that was like the only thing on his mind as soon as they went to bed he started asking me a lot of questions about like being a virgin if I was excited to lose my virginity like how I would want my first time to be and I still remember that I didn't really understand what he was asking me this and I didn't really know the answers because I was so young and I was not an experienced young preteen at all and I just saying like oh I don't know I don't know and I kept saying I don't know and I remember that was like the only thing I knew how to say for any of the answers was I don't know because I literally knew nothing about sex I had never even had like the sex talk with my mom at all because I hadn't really gotten to that stage in my life it's like yes it's so weird to think I was having boys over but like I wasn't ready for that kind of stuff and as a kid obviously I didn't know having boys over like that's what some boys would think and sometimes I wish like my mom I don't know I don't I don't know if she ever saw that and like thought oh well what if one boy one day things like that's okay I I don't know I'm not blaming her at all it's just something I've always thought about it's like it's my 14 year old kid or 13 year old daughters like can I have a boy sleepover and be like no you can't and then he asked me if I was excited to lose my virginity to him and my first thought was that he must really like me and thought like he meant like in the future and I was like yeah sure made me one day I you know I don't really know because again I knew nothing about sex I don't didn't really know much about it or what it really even was so remember he laughed and told me that I wouldn't have come over and spent the night at his house if I was thinking about some day and I know I started to panic and my first thought was that I should call my mom but I didn't and I didn't because often if I would call her to come pick me up with some place or I need you to come to come get me there's a few instances where I did she would be so angry she would get so mad at you to wake my brothers up or get them out of bed or if she had to get out of bed or if she'd like if someone over she would always get so mad if I called her and asked to come get me so I remember thinking it will be better to just stay than to call her and ask her to come pick me and ask her to come pick me up he was done with all of his questions I remember he started saying all this stuff about it's not gonna hurt and it may hurt at the beginning but it'll be fine and you know like it's not a big deal and like it's just everyone has to go through it the first time and I started to realize that he was expecting something and so I immediately started to say like no no no like I don't know if I don't know if we should I don't know and I kept saying I don't know and telling him like won't your parents here he was like my parents don't care and he didn't actually have a bed frame his mattress was just on the floor and I'd been sitting up with my back against the wall cuz we've been watching TV and I remember he grabbed his remote and turned the volume up and then immediately turned over to me and like put his hands on my shoulders and like pulled me onto his mattress he laid on top of me and like tried to kiss me and stuff and I kept saying like I don't know if I want to do this I really don't know and he said we can take it slow we don't have to rush into it and I just said like no I don't know if I want to I don't know and I just kept saying I don't know because I generally didn't know anything that was going on at some point I remember his demeanor switched and he started to get a little bit angry and saying that it's not fair for me to come over and tease him like that if I wasn't wanting to have sex with him and that and he started calling me at ease and he even said like you don't want everyone thinking you're a tease do you and I still just kept saying I don't know and he pulled my pants down and my underwear and he pulled out a like a thing of condoms that was like stuck under his mattress on the floor ripped one off put it on and this entire time I started saying I don't know and I remember feeling like panicking saying like I don't know I don't I don't know and I was so nervous and it's like I don't even think I remember exactly when it started because I just know I said I don't know as many times as I could like and I just kept saying I don't know if I want to I don't know I don't that was like the only thing I could manage to speak and at some point he started to shush me and put his hand close to my mouth and kept whispering in my ear like it's not gonna hurt it's gonna be fine it won't hurt long and he had sex with me and I don't remember if it hurt I don't remember it hurting at all I just remember nothing is that weird like I just remember watching the ceiling go around like a ceiling fan go around and around and like feeling the tears stream from my face and just wondering like when it was gonna be over and I were thinking during that while it was happening like I wonder if I should call my mom or what should I do is she gonna meet mad at me and those were my thoughts that's what I got to experience the first time I ever had sex you know I literally just laid there with my like that's what's up brand limited to jeans around my ankles you know that was it so when it was over he got off of me and he laughed and said well that was the worst experience I've ever had and it got up and went to his bathroom to take a shower I did not call my mom I don't know if I really did much of anything I just pulled up my pants and I just laid there and I'm pretty sure I just laid there until the morning I don't remember falling asleep ever I just watched his ceiling fan go over and over and over and at some point he did come back and go to sleep and like didn't say anything to me and like he did mumble a few like pissed off things that he had said and then the next day when we got up like he got up and ate breakfast he didn't say anything to me I just sat in his room I didn't change my clothes I wore exactly what I wore the entire day before and when the bus came I got on the bus we sat on different seats and he didn't speak to me pretty much after that I still remember that same bus driver asking me if I was okay when I got on the bus that morning and I said I'm fine and this is where things started getting really tricky for me is he told everyone and maybe I shouldn't see everyone maybe that's an exaggeration but he told a lot of people all of my friends knew that I lost my virginity to him he was telling everyone that we had sex and it just and they would all say that I can't believe you did that oh my god like I were calling me names like I remember a few of them call me a [ __ ] and like all these different mean things and I just kept saying no we did it no we did it no we did it and I think that made him more angry because they look people are like oh are you lying or she lying and I didn't know how to say like he sex with me because I didn't understand that concept yeah all I know is like I didn't I didn't have sex with him like I knew that I didn't have sex with him and so he started making jokes seems like well I'll never have sex with a virgin again like she just laid there like cardboard and say yeah I freakin laid there like cardboard I didn't want it and that's what I don't if there is actually one period where I was with a group of people and he happened to be there and I remember to my face he laughed at me and was like oh my god she was the worst girl I've ever had sex with she just laid there like [ __ ] cardboard that's what I gave her having sex with a virgin and laughed everyone everyone was laughing and I was just sitting there like hmm and I still I still I still remember then I would deny and like no we didn't and it's like I couldn't get myself to admit that we had sex and I don't know if it's because then I would have to admit that like it was rape or maybe it's because I didn't know what rape was like I wish I could go back and figure out my processing but like I was so young and when when I did eventually tell someone I had gotten around that I had sex with someone and when someone asked me about it I said that I didn't really want to and I told them what happened and their response was Lindsay what did you think was gonna happen when you're hanging out with all them older boys that was the response I got so I didn't tell anyone for quite a while and I just kind of dealt with it and I think it's because that combined with the fact that he was so confident talking about it that to me it just didn't feel like maybe I was maybe I wasn't raped and maybe I just was bad at it and like maybe it was my fault and that's how I felt for a long time like I didn't talk about it because I never knew for such a long time like if that was considered rape I was like well mate I said I don't know if I want to but like you know I never said like get off of me or you know he's so confident telling everyone like maybe I don't know into this day I still wonder like does he not think that he raped me like does he still does he ever think about it and think like oh my god I used to make fun of girl in house you know got everyone to laugh at her but like I raped her does he think like it was okay like I really had that thought because if when I think about it like he seemed when I would see him at school and he would make those jokes it really seemed like he thought he was okay to say those things and I mean no one stopped him like not a single teacher with something back hey don't mess with her like Lindsey what's going on like he's saying he had sex with a virgin and you a cardboard are you okay or you know when I would cry about no one said like oh well what really happened nobody cared to ask my side you know nobody cared I mean obviously a teacher heard enough to call my parent or call someone and talk to them about it but nobody thought like to ask me like what really happened besides the one person that I told and I don't I don't know and I also wonder like my parent that I told about this like when I told them and they decide to say well that's what you get for this like was that their way of coping because they didn't want to own they didn't want to think about the fact that they let me go they're like said they let me do these things and again I'm not trying to blame her but like did she not everything kinda stuck happen because I would and maybe I would because I have like tinted glasses on the world now but like I need to kind of letting guys use me as an object for quite a while that's another thing that I'm gonna talk about in my book that is a very serious topic and like I'm terrified to talk about it on here but now I let a lot of guys do very inappropriate things to me that I didn't want to happen because I just did it I didn't know any different I thought like maybe it was fine and maybe my self-esteem and self-worth combined with it's just that with other things that I went through I just felt like I wasn't worth anything and I know I don't know and then as I got even older eventually I stopped letting that stuff happen but it then it led to me having like severe intimacy issues there's probably a boyfriend or two that are watching this like oh that makes sense because I broke up with countless guys because I didn't have the nerve or the guts or like the heart to tell them like sorry but the thought of having sex with you makes me want to vomit or having sex gives me nightmares and I know how to tell people that because I didn't know what was wrong with me and it took me a long time to figure that out like eventually when I started going to therapy I started going to therapy because of the issues I had with my mom because I grew up with a mom that only told me she loved me on good days and told me she hated me on bad days and I did eventually open up to my therapist and told her that I had issues with intimacy and she told me to tell her about times I had sex and we talked about it and eventually I talked about the very first time I had sex and I told her that story and she was like honey you were raped and I remember when she said that like she even looked startled like I don't know if they're allowed to say things like that but that's what she said and it's like it tooks someone else telling me that for me to like I don't know maybe when you say it out loud I start to hear I'm like wait well if someone else told me the same story I just told them I it would be like honey you were raped but it's like when it happened to me I just felt like I don't know I was the girl who lost her virginity and laid there like cardboard and I was the girl that had too many boys sleepover and I mean it's just what everyone else said so it just felt like that was it I did deal with intimacy issues for a very long time and I still occasionally do if you'd like me to make an entire video on that I will and it will be tough but I will because that's very like something that like people laugh at like I've seen people like make fun of that kind of stuff before and I'm like bye but I could make a video on that and how like I did overcome that to the best of my ability I guess I just want you to know like if you've been through something and you don't know if it was wrong but your gut is telling you it's wrong it's probably wrong like I was at such a young age that I didn't understand but like my gut still knew it was wrong and instead of being quiet for so long I should have just told someone else and if they didn't want to listen I should have told someone else and if that person don't want to listen I should tell someone else or if someone told me to be quiet about it I should have talked to louder and I want the same for you you know I want like if you have gone through something or you're going through something or if you go through something like I I hope you keep talking because I definitely lost my voice about that for a really long time and it's like I knew it was affecting me like I would I would do certain things that I will talk about that I knew like deep down like I didn't want to do and I knew I had been affected in a way but it's like I didn't want to think about it or talk about it and I think I blamed myself for a long time yeah because it's weird going into like high school I was still allowed to have guys stay over but I didn't I didn't like invite them you know and obviously they didn't know any difference because they weren't allowed to do that kind of stuff I ended up moving schools at the end of that year I got in so much trouble the rest of that year I was acting out so much so it looks like I got put on probation in ninth grade because I got in so much troubles like stealing and stuff and I ended up switching schools the principal thought maybe I needed a fresh start which was really great in a way it also kind of sucked but how people weren't nice to me that it either but it wasn't as bad as my other school I think I thought by the end of this video I was gonna be like yeah and if anyone I ever heard to you like you do this and you're strong and it just it kind of takes a lot out of you like to talk about it because I don't just say it like in my head I see it and that's what's hard it's like it's not just like something you hear for me it's like something I see you know I can still see all of it and it makes me angry it makes me really angry but I don't know that I didn't get to experience whatever like people talk about when the elusive virginity which maybe isn't that special obviously I don't know where just makes just makes me angry that I didn't have the choice and it makes me angry that like no one to hold him that wasn't okay or that he thought he had the right to like laugh at me and I'm so glad we live in like a society where it's not it's like coming on like it's not the same like it's we're progressing but there definitely is still more change it needs to happen but I think our generation is starting to like provoke that change I hope this does to like where if someone ever tells you like well that's what you get for going home with older boys or that's what you get for wearing those skirts or if that's what you get for drinking at such age like tell them to go [ __ ] themselves honestly because it's like no one no one has a right to tell me that was my fault because I did that for so long and I let it fight we for so long and it's obviously good enough back to me for a long time but no one has the right to tell me it was my fault and if anyone ever does again I don't give a [ __ ] because it's not because I was the one that was in that room and I remember like using all of my 14 year old force trying to like push his shoulders and say like I don't know if I want to do this and I remember the look in his eyes and he got angry and pretty much made the decision for me I guess the point of this is that if you have gone through something you're not a sob story you are strong and you are a survivor survivor not a victim don't let yourself state and victimhood forever because I did for a long time now obviously yes I was a victim of rape oh I don't know anything that that is hard to say but I'm not gonna say in victimhood forever he may have died to take that one thing away from me but he doesn't get to take my entire life my mom who got you know who said things to me growing up she doesn't get to take my entire life I get to decide what happens from here and I hope that you realize the same for you no matter what you've gone through or what you will go through like you get to say what happens next and there are shitty situations it's shitty things that happen in life and I will never know the answer as to why but I hope that you always fight to get better because you have to you have to I had to I guess I want you to know that I believe you if no one else believes you I believe you it's not your fault it's not my fault it's not okay it shouldn't be normal I'm really happy that this is my life you know I just never really thought I would be here I don't want you to feel bad for me I live in a three-story home in Los Angeles I make a lot of money I am married to an amazing guy that is very patient with me and kind and supports me I get to travel all over the place I have you guys as my supporters I do not want you to feel bad for me....

Losing My Virginity To Rape

 I can be aboveboard with everything and also please remember to tell me in the email if you would like to remain anonymous and please change any names if you don't want particular names to be shared as always guys it would be awesome if you could like share comment and subscribe if you're new don't forget to follow me on Facebook Twitter and Instagram for updates throughout the week you can also catch me on my second channel all of which have links in the description below thanks again for always cheating in all the support and I'll see you mates in the next one

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